One Too Many Times
by FireSign
Summary: “Grief is the agony of an instant, the indulgence of grief the blunder of a life.” Eventually everyone moves on.


** Title**: One Too Many Times

** Summary**: "Grief is the agony of an instant, the indulgence of grief the blunder of a life." Eventually everyone moves on.

** Pairings**: Sara/Grissom and Sara/OC

** Category**: Angst

** Author's Notes**: Having one of my "Sara needs to move on, Grissom is completely dysfunctional. And while I love that in a man, she deserves better right about now" moments. This was the result.

****

** Disclaimer**: I don't own CBS, CSI or the lyrics to "Driftin' Away", which appear near the end of this story.

~... .....-*-... .....~

It was noon, and Nick Stokes blamed the lack of sleep for the three minutes it took to recognize the SUV that had pulled into his driveway. When he finally did, confusion set in. _Sara?_ He went outside, and she met him on the front steps.

"Whatcha doing here?"

He looked at her then, analyzing her appearance. She held herself straight, her once apparent strength finally coming back. Her hair was swept upwards, and her clothes were new. But pain was in her eyes, tears awaiting a chance to fall. He was so intent on her features that he nearly missed her explanation. 

"I was driving around, and I realized I hadn't congratulated you on the promotion."

She held out a bottle of wine, and he took it with some trepidation. _Was she really that upset over the decision? _He looked at the bottle in his hand and let out a low whistle.

"That's nice stuff. Thanks," he paused, unsure how to continue. "Do you want to come in?"

A smile twitched at the corner of her mouth.

"I'd like that."

They headed into the coolness of his home, and she made herself comfortable in one of his chairs. He offered her a drink, and she asked for a coke. Accepting it gratefully, she took a swig as he sat opposite her.

"Why'd you really come over?"

"I told you. You deserved that promotion, and I was a bit sore about it," she gave a small smile then. "You're my only friend at work. I mean…you're not my only friend, but…it's just…and with…"

He winked at her. "I know what you mean." 

She relaxed then, though losing herself deep in thought. He was about to call her name, to break her from whatever thought had invaded her mind, when she stirred.

"Maybe I wanted to say goodbye."

She sensed his worry and explained herself. 

"I have two days off, so I'm flying to LA. I just need to get out of Vegas, out of this mentality. Sort things out."

"I'd understand if this was about the job. Look, this is going to sound childish, but if you want it that bad I won't take it. It's not worth losing you over."

She laughed heartily. "You'd really do that, wouldn't you?"

"Anything for a pretty lady," Nick grinned back.

"It's not a professional thing Nick," she said, sounding resigned to her fate. "I just came to realize something, and I need to get my head wrapped around it. I can't do that in Vegas."

"I know you're not one for talking, but if you want to discuss it…"

"Can't contain your curiosity, eh?" Sara teased.

"Am I that transparent?"

"Yeah. It's not that big a deal even, in the grand scheme of things."

He raised an eyebrow, and she briefly wondered if that was something he had picked up from Grissom.

" '_Grief is the agony of an instant, the indulgence of grief the blunder of a life_.' " she quoted. "Benjamin Disraeli, British politician...Courtesy of Grissom, years ago. I kept a journal then, and it struck me as deeply profound at the time."

Nick was unsure if he should laugh or cry at her revelation. But the source of her pain was now clear. He heard the self loathing at the mention of their supervisor's name, and he wondered again what their story was. He didn't have to wait long.

"I never told anyone this, and I don't think Grissom's mentioned it. He's not exactly Mr. Forthcoming."

Nick snickered at the description of his boss.

"Anyways, he taught a seminar I went to, back when I was still with the Coroner's Office. We hit it off right away, and went out for drinks. He was in town for another week, and we became friends really quickly," She laughed bitterly. "Yeah, Grissom made a friend easily. But after a few days, he started noticing something 'funny about my demeanor'. When he picked me up for work one day – I told him my car broke down- he figured out what it was."

Sara hesitated then, wishing she hadn't started. It had been so long since she had faced this, and she wasn't even sure it mattered to Nick. But she took a deep breath and continued.

"I was living with a boyfriend at the time. And he was…abusive. Psychologically mostly, though he slapped me once or twice. And you know how observant Grissom can be. He practically yanked my arm from its socket getting me out of there," she laughed slightly at the memory. "He couldn't figure out why someone who was as bright as me had stayed there. You know what my answer was? You're going to love this one- 'He's a good kisser.' Which was true, coming to think of it. But Grissom nearly went through the roof."

Nick noticed the adoring look that adorned her features, though he doubted she realized it was there.

"You know, he wasn't the first person to tell me to get. But he was the first one I listened to. He…he spelled it out in black and white. No shades of grey, in his mind. He was right, and he helped me pack after Danny had left for work."

Mysteries that had accosted Nick since he had first met Sara fell into place as her story unraveled. For a moment he toyed with the idea of offering some consolation, but quickly realized she'd hate him for it.

"Is that when he said that grief thing?"

"Yeah. It's funny, but I was actually upset about losing Danny. I was always an independent person, but I relied on Danny. I convinced myself he was the only thing to make me happy. But that's neither here nor there, really."

Realizing what she had said, she made the pretense of checking her watch.

"I should go. My flight's at 2:30, so…."

"Yeah."

He walked her to her car, and wasn't all that surprised when she hugged him.

"If he asks, tell him I'm sorry but he was right," she whispered into his shoulder before beating a hasty retreat to the sanctuary of her car.

~::+::~

Gil Grissom took a cursory glance around the break room that night, and then did a mental double take.

"Where's Sara?"

"It's her night off, Gris. The girl took it, and about damn time too," Catherine explained.

His eyes momentarily betrayed his surprise, but he shut them off quickly.

"Hmm. She said she'd come in tonight. The Salazar case had her keyed up."

"Well, something must have come up. She took a flight to LA this afternoon. It's her two day break."

Of all the people Grissom had expected to know about Sara, Nick was not on the list. He shrugged the thought off and handed out cases. Nick had watched him carefully the entire time, and he was the last to leave for a site. He was almost at the door when he spoke, his tone somber.

"She said she's sorry. And that you were right, whatever that was supposed to mean. I thought it had something to do with Danny, but it didn't make sense. The girl can take care of herself though." 

Not for the first time, Grissom was left wondering about Sara Sidle. He dismissed the train of thought for later, turning to the rape case he was working.

~::+::~

On her first day back she arrived even before he did. He found her sitting in his office, eager for updates on the case they had been working on. A sixteen year old, Renee Salazar, had been attacked, raped and dumped by three men. The case had hit a dead end, until a patrol cop had come across what was likely the primary scene. 

She took the news well, eager to process the gathered evidence. He noted, feeling childishly petulant, that she had not mentioned LA. His curiosity eventually won out, and he asked how she had spent her days off.

"I'd rather not discuss it," she said tersely.

"May I ask why?"

"After we finish this case."

"Why not now?"

"I'm working," she snapped.

"After shift then."

"Yeah, after shift."

~::+::~

"Take a seat."

"I'd rather not."

He wondered when it was that they had started talking in monosyllabic words, very rarely more the five words at a time. He was surprised to find out much that actually hurt. The gap needed to be bridged, if only for the sake of their working relationship. But he was the last person to be given the responsibility, and he wasn't pleased with it.

"Next time you leave town, try and tell me beforehand."

"You're not my father, Grissom. I don't need to tell where I'm going or what I'm doing on my days off."

He sensed her unwillingness to elaborate, and pushed the topic.

"What _was_ it you were doing?"

She folded her arms and sat back in the seat. She was clearly not interested in communicating.

"Explain this to me. You're invested in a case, and you tell me you're coming in to work it, even though it's your day off. Fine. The next thing I know, you're on a plane to Los Angeles. If it had been without a word, I could understand. But you tell Nick that you're 'sorry' and that I was right?" he took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Explain this to me, because the evidence isn't getting me anywhere."

For a moment, the urge to childishly subject him to the silent treatment was tempting. _You're a grown woman. Act it, _she lectured herself.

"I was on a date."

He was speechless. Whatever admission he had expected, it certainly wasn't that one. Her arms still crossed, she filled in the blanks.

"He's a criminalist from LA. We met at the Buffalo conference a few months ago, and we've been exchanging emails ever since. We talked about visiting each other, but it hadn't happened.

"I was cleaning out a closet, and found letters and stuff from Frisco. I came across a diary I kept during my time with Danny, and I learned something about myself."

This amount of self reflection was unlike ether one of them, and for the briefest instant he felt a surge of _pride_ that she was sharing it with him. 

"'_Grief is the agony of an instant, the indulgence of grief the blunder of a life_.' You were right. And I found myself in the same place as I was then. Grieving for something I couldn't control, something that there was no hope of. You were right- I'm a risk you couldn't or wouldn't take. And don't tell me which. I really don't care anymore.

"I did what I had to do, and then I tried to forget. And when I couldn't forget, I found a way of making myself not care. But I didn't want to be that person, Grissom."

Her gaze was direct, although the effect was blurred by unshed tears.

"I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life waiting for what I could never have."

He knew then he had lost her, a fact long expected but held in disbelief. He gave her a curt nod, and she fled.

~::+::~

It was nearly a month later he saw the man that had taken Sara from him. He was waiting in reception when Sara came out. She went to him immediately, laughing as he kissed her cheek. He was taller then she was, and significantly older. A disconcerting fact, one that sunk a long held and cherished belief. 

She spotted Grissom before he could sink back to the shadow, and waved him over. He came, forcing a neutral look on his face.

"Hi Gris."

If there was one advantage to her newfound relationship, it was the fact she was no longer awkward around him. Or rather, she refused to let the awkwardness encroach on her life.

"Dave, this is my boss, Gil Grissom."

"Ahh, the entomologist. You have quite a reputation. Pleased to meet you."

Dave held out his hand, with a manner meant to set others at ease. Grissom shook it, discreetly wiping his hand on his pants.

"Go get your things Leopard," he told her, dropping a kiss on the tip of her nose. She flashed him the grin she had once reserved for Grissom alone, and he realized that she was happier then she had been in a long time. 

~::+::~

The relationship lasted a few months before an amicable split, and Sara was not left emotionally crushed. The ease that had reappeared in her relationship with Grissom remained there, and he half-hoped that it meant something.

She was in his office one morning, dropping off some paperwork.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to go out for dinner one night? See what happens?"

A flurry of emotions flitted across her face. Happiness, confusion, anger…. 

It finally settled on resolution.

"No."

"Can I ask why?"

If his tone was unusually questioning, hers was more then unusually bitter.

"Because every day when I wake up, I rate how much _this_ hurts, on a scale of one to ten. I finally got it own to a nine point five, and I can't let it go back to a ten. If I break down now, I'll fall back in love with you. And I don't want to. I'm not putting myself at your mercy anymore. It would be too easy for you to change your mind. And where would that leave me?"

He sighed. "At ten."

"Yeah, 'at ten'."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

~::+::~

_ But I'm so afraid  
that you've forgiven me one too many times  
And I'm so afraid  
to give my heart again, just to have a change of mind  
And I'm not quite sure that you can trust me  
And I would hate to have you find me again  
Baby, like the wind, driftin' away_

** …………………………………………**

Feedback appreciated.** :)**


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